The prioritization of mental health is undeniably essential in order to live a fulfilling life. However, it is also completely normal to have stages when life just doesn’t feel like life anymore. Yet, putting on a performance may seem like the best solution to combat that feeling.
To put things into perspective, I’ve started wondering just how much people hide their true emotions and put on a fake persona everyday. There are times that I do this and I can guarantee many others do this as well. When I asked my friends to describe me in three words, they all said something along the lines of funny, vibrant and kind-hearted. Although I do feel as though these words represent who I am, there are times when I can’t live up to that.
At first, I thought I was experiencing imposter syndrome, which Merriam-Webster defined as “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success.”
As a junior who has only ever taken Honors or AP courses throughout my entire high school career, I have felt as though I needed to maintain a certain image due to the academic standards imposed on me. I have tried to go into the year with a mindset of living in the moment so I could stay relaxed. Although I was externally, internally I didn’t feel that way at all.
I kept a smile on my face through it all, even though I was busy with everything happening in my life. There was never a word or a term I could think of to describe how I genuinely felt through it all until I discovered “smiling depression.” To define the term, it is when people appear to be happy despite internally feeling despair or hopelessness. As a result, these individuals often don’t know they have this kind of depression and avoid seeking help.
However, smiling depression is a term that may be too broad because there are many people that have a facade of normalcy but go through turmoil internally. It is more of a phase that I experience similar to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) rather than a long, ongoing condition. As spring starts, the pressure of AP exams and finals start to emerge which brings a period of reflection on my academic performance. The mindset that “I could’ve done better” is a phrase that I often find myself thinking, accompanied by the determination to prove that I belong in these courses. I noticed that I end up isolating myself from friends and family to hide the inner stress I truly feel which only harms the people that care about me and damages me mentally.
It is important to recognize these feelings because they can occur even without realization. Talking to a trusted person in your life whether it is friends, families, or teachers is crucial so that you can talk through your emotions and have another guide you through tough times. Although it is undeniably difficult to talk to another about these complex emotions, faking them constantly is equally as damaging. Remember to take care of yourself; find things that you look forward to and to routinely stay in touch with your emotions. Don’t forget to check up on your loved ones so at the end of the day everybody can live a fulfilling life.
